“A lot of guys have idols. Mine is Kurt Rambis. I want to be like Kurt. He is the ultimate role player.”
— Jack Haley
"If you told Kurt to run through a brick wall to win a basketball game, he would do it.” —Kobe Bryant
"You know, the Lakers have a dress code now because of Kurt. This hippie surfer from Santa Clara wore the same torn jeans every day.”
—James Worthy
“You (Kurt) make me a better player. And when he’s out there with me, I feel better.”
—Vlade Divac
“Kurt Rambis is an absolute force of nature. His gangly, flailing limbs single-handedly defeated the British at the Battle of Great Bridge.”
—Col. William Woodford, Revolutionary War Hero
“That’s one small step for man. One huge elbow to the throat from Kurt Rambis.”
—Neil Armstrong, Astronaut
“Kurt Rambis once elbowed me in the spine. I never walked again.”
—Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States
“Kurt Rambis is OK in my book.”
—Jesus of Nazareth, Messiah
“And the great demigod, Krut Rimbash looked down with fury and smote them with his mighty elbows.”
—The Epic of Gilgamesh
Who is Kurt Rambis? The 6’8” forward appeared from nowhere in 1981 and led the Los Angeles Lakers to four NBA championships. This bespectacled übermensch wowed basketball fans with his blue-collar work ethic, stunning good looks and lethal elbows, determined by scientists to be the hardest substance on Earth. Averaging a scorching 5.2 points per game, Rambis carried the Lakers franchise on his shoulders for 14 years (including weaker players like Earvin “Magic” Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar). Then, as suddenly as he had appeared, Kurt Rambis vanished, leaving a note on his locker written in a mixture of Egyptian Hieroglyphics and Microsoft Word Wing-Dings. The note simply read, “My work amongst you is finished.” Basketball fans mourned. But, who was this man among men? Where did he come from? Why did he leave?
There are several theories regarding Kurt Rambis’ origin, all with their own merit. The first is that he was a rare, hairless breed of Sasquatch with a penchant for competitive sports. This seems likely given his stature and superhuman strength. Were this true, Rambis’ disappearance could be explained by his natural desire to return to the untamed wilderness from whence he came.
The second theory is that Rambis was a traveler from the future, possibly from a time when humans have reached the pinnacle of their evolutionary potential. According to this theory, Rambis arrived to help the human race aspire to basketball greatness, and when he felt his work was done, returned to his own time period.
The third hypothesis is that Rambis was born in 1958 in Cupertino, Calif. He attended Cupertino High School and then graduated from Santa Clara University. Rambis played in Greece with AEK Athens BC and won the Greek Cup in 1981. He played for the Lakers from 1981 to 1995 before retiring from professional basketball and enjoying a brief stint as the Lakers’ head coach. Today he is an assistant coach for the Lakers. This theory, of course, is preposterous.
